As I alluded to in Part 1 of this article series on how I came back from the deep, dark recesses of the D word, my recovery has gone through 3 phases; 1. Shut down, 2. Survival mode and 3. Reality bites (ie acceptance).
In truth, I’m not so sure I can say I am completely recovered even after 3 years. While I have come a LONG way, if I saw Mr X in the street, I’d do my best impression of a traffic light in the hopes he wouldn’t see me. Although, given I have the stature of a hobbit (but without the hairy toes), I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t work.
You see, when you’re on the receiving end of someone wanting to end a marriage you don’t want to end, you deal with a loss not unlike a death but with the added layer of rejection. Let’s just say the forgiveness part (clearly phase 4 of recovery) is a work in progress. Some days I’m all Mother Teresa about it while other days I’d rather forgive Hitler. I guess that makes me human (but still a messiah to highly evolved aliens).
All that aside, and as strange as it may seem, I am grateful for the experience. Lessons were learnt, deeper connections with those close to me formed, kick arse adventures had and a new, more fulfilling and fun life created. None of which would have happened had it not been for the D word.
So how did I get to this point? Read on to find out dear friends and aliens…
Shut Down Recovery
Recovery here was mostly thanks to my body’s natural shock reaction. It was as though one of my alien followers had taken me over. Kind of what I imagine an out of body experience to be like.
Numbness took over and created a soft cushioning between me and my reality. All my senses were dulled. I’m no neurologist but my guess is that it was my body’s way of protecting my psychological side just long enough to handle the information I was given and for hope to sneak in.
My only conscious contribution to recovery in this phase was to head to my parents for some much needed advice, hugs and Vegemite toast. Oh, and I also took a sickie from work for a day (ie Australian for a day off when you’re not technically sick).
Survival Recovery
When you are in the middle of a major crisis, your survival is all that matters. This means that you’re not particularly interested in the price of oil, whether you should go with the fuschia shirt or the beige or calculating how many children Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt now have. Your focus is on getting through the day without melting down or running naked through the streets ranting something about aliens.
For me, survival was all about getting support, taking care of my physical and mental health, functioning in my job at the time and fostering hope. Anything outside that fell by the wayside.
Initially support took the form of my parents but as time went on and knowledge of my situation spread, my support team included my siblings, close friends, a couple of trusted work colleagues and even a few strangers (it’s amazing how a genuine smile or sincere hello can make a difference when you’re hurting).
Looking after my physical and mental health meant;
- Getting plenty of sleep (responsible use of sleeping tablets very much helped with this)
- Exercise and meditation to help counteract the stress
- Crying, in order to deal with intense emotions
- Forcing myself to eat (I’d lost my appetite to such a point that cupcakes didn’t even appeal – WTF?!)
Functioning at work was tough. For a long time, no one knew what I was going through and at the time, I was in charge of a major event with little support. In hindsight though, work gave me welcome relief from thinking about what was happening at home. For this fact, I’m glad it wasn’t common knowledge.
If emotions did bubble to the surface, my strategy was to find somewhere I could calm back down, so I’d head to the toilet or go for a walk outside. I also took a lunch break every day and used this time to do some deep breathing or reading in a park.
As for fostering hope, at this point, I was convinced we could work it out. Fostering hope included;
- Seeing a marriage counsellor
- Reading “save your relationship” type books
- Organising weekends away for us
- Getting life coaching (this was a huge help to me)
- Talking about it with trusted family and friends
- Talking about it to Mr X
- Giving Mr X space
- Visualising the desired outcome
- Hanging on to any little sign from Mr X (imagined or otherwise) that maybe, just maybe, this would all miraculously work out.
Reality Bites Recovery
Now, given this post is already a novel and also given the accepting reality part of the recovery was fairly lengthy, I’ve decided to extend the series to a part 3. So, if you’re interested in finding out how I pulled my head out of the sand, gave it a good shake and took the first step to a new beginning, stay tuned.
To be continued…
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Ha, that’s a great sign! And the blue color clearly symbolizes the property owner’s depression and desire not to suffer any more emotional dumping from others.
@Chris
Lol, yeah, that sign conveys a lot! At least they were polite about it.
Sami,
I can only imagine how difficult these days must have been for you. A real trooper, you are. And it really sounds like you tried every possible thing to make it work. I think I may have said it before, but I’m so glad you are in a good place now. You are too sweet and kind not to be…
Here, here to what Lance said – I totally agree!!
How’s your frundraising options going for Variety bash? I am still thinking of some new ideas for you…
K
@Lance
Aww, thanks Lance. Such a sweetie you are. Yep, I pretty much tried everything I could think of at the time but it wasn’t meant to be. At least I could walk away knowing I’d given it a good shot. Little did I know at the time but much adventure awaited so I can see now it was a great thing in disguise.
@Kirsty
Thanks so much Kirsty. You know, I really do have the best blogging community around. Such awesome people you all are.
Yes, we’re excited, the fundraising plans for the Variety Club Bash are coming together. We decided to focus on gaining sponsorship first so we’re currently perfecting our sponsorship letter and pack. As for events, we’ll have a stall at a Carols by Candlelight event in Dec and we’re going with the clothes swapping girls party (and a poker night for the boys) early Feb. If there’s anything left over, we’ll look at the eBay option.
We’re actually putting in 2 entries now – a 67 EH Holden and an old International truck. Talk about biting off more than you can chew and then chewing like crazy!
Sami, even though you describe the whole experience so well, I still can’t begin to imagine what you went through. I am just so happy that you have now found an awesome partner to help you through your recovery. Two other friends who are divorced have now found great partners too, which I’m so thankful for. I’m also very thankful for my own loving marriage. I have always believed things happen for a reason, and even though the event may seem like hell on earth (which has been visited by blood sucking aliens), something positive also can come out of it – maybe not straight away, but in time. I think that is happening to you now. I love you girl. You always make me smile and I can hear you pissing yourself in the blue smurfette mobile. That would have been hilarious. You take care and keep on smiling.
Woolly
(PS Could you send me an email so I can get your email address again. Our computer died and so we lost it all. F..king techology.)
Hi Sami,
Our D experiences were really quite similar. It would have been so great to have known you back then – but, then again, I think we could have gotten ourselves into a lot of mischief.
“Your focus is on getting through the day without melting down or running naked through the streets ranting something about aliens.”
I guess I should have had more focus – I think I actually did this once (re: your quote) and is why I’ve moved so often…
Again, your humor is contagious and I so much appreciate having your humor in my life. Thanks for this series, Sami!
~xo
@Woolly
Thanks a lot Woolly. You know, when I met Chris, I ummed and ahhed about whether it was too soon to go into another relationship (I think from memory it had been about 10 months since I’d separated from Mr X) but I decided there wasn’t really a right or wrong answer and decided to go for it on the proviso we took it slowly. In my favour was the fact that he’d had his heart broken too so he had an idea of what I was going through. As they say in the classics, “it all worked out in the end” and I’m thankful for that.
Oh yeah, there was much laughter going on in that Smurfette Mobile, that’s for sure!
Thanks for stopping by Woolly. You rock and lots of love right back at you! xxx
PS. No probs, will email through my email address.
@Lori
Hey Chicka! Hell yeah we would have gotten up to some mischief! We’ll have to make up for lost time when we do get together.
You know, I wished you lived in my neighbourhood – I could totally sit outside on a deck chair with a glass of wine in hand watching you run down the street starkers ranting about aliens. I would consider it my weekly entertainment! At least you wouldn’t have to move again.
Thanks Lori. You’re support of LL&L is always appreciated. xxx