One of the subjects I haven’t spoken in much detail about on this blog is my divorce. This is partly because, right from the beginning, I’ve wanted to keep this an inspiring, positive, happy space and partly because that time of my life was about as enjoyable as an anchovy and gravel sandwich. Actually, give me the sandwich any day, at least it’s over with quickly! Needless to say, it’s not the easiest subject to discuss.
Those of you who are regular readers will know I’ve created a kick arse life using the divorce and what I’ve learnt from it as a spring board (for new readers,check out the vid on my home page or have a read of this).
This of course didn’t happen straight away. There was some work to do first and I thought it might be helpful for some to know how I got through the first stage (note: this will be in 2 parts. Part 1 will be what happened. Part 2 will be how I made it through).
Out of respect for Mr X (and myself for that matter), I won’t go into details about how the divorce came about but to get a grasp of my story, some brief history is required. Here is the “critical path” (who would have thought my marketing logistics subject would actually come in handy!);
- 5 star relationship, going along fine, no major issues, great communication and having fun (14 years together, married for 4 of them).
- Out of the blue, Mr X says, “I don’t think I love you anymore.” (information I could have done with 13.5 years ago).
- Tried everything I could, including a Dr Phil book, to fix the situation. Mr X’s heart not in it.
- Move in with friends.
- Leave Australia to start a new life in Banff, Canada (divorce finalised while OS).
Before you ask, no, I didn’t see it coming. I consider myself fairly astute and in tune with how people are feeling. I still didn’t see it coming. Even with hindsight, nope, didn’t see it coming. The whys and hows I truly can’t answer and probably never will. The only shred of light given to me at the time was his diagnosis of a mid life crisis (at age 31) by a marriage counsellor.
The initial stage, for me, consisted of 3 distinct parts;
1. Shut down
Now when told “I don’t think I love you anymore” (translation: “I don’t love you anymore”), by someone you most definitely love, it’s like being told they’ve died. So my body’s very first natural instinct was to shut down.
Shock, numbness and disbelief took over. It’s amazing to me how our bodies naturally take the reins and protect us psychologically via a partial shut down. It’s kinda like the emergency generators kicking in when the power goes out in a hospital. This lasted a couple of days.
2. Survival mode
When I realized this really was serious and that Mr X’s body hadn’t been taken over by aliens via an anal probe, my survival instincts kicked in.
I was way down there on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Self actualisation wasn’t exactly a major goal. My total focus was fixing my marriage, force feeding myself (I’d totally lost my appetite), exercising to manage the stress, sleep and functioning at work. Everything else was non-existent.
During this stage, I still had hope it’d all work out. Survival mode lasted probably about 3 months.
3. Reality bites
The reality bites stage was acceptance of the situation…and a significant reduction in my level of hope. It was during this time I started to see that a fairytale ending (at least with Mr X) was unlikely.
This was also a time of decision making and action taking. In a sense I needed to protect myself. Not from Mr X so much, more from the situation itself.
During this stage, I made the decision to head overseas in a bid to see if the distance would help Mr X finally come to a decision about our marriage and also to begin healing in the event it wasn’t going to end the way I wanted.
This stage took about 6 months and it was towards the end of this time the decision to finalise our separation was made.
I would imagine the stages of recovery from most major crises follow a similar path. It was a hefty loss for sure and at the time, total recovery felt impossible. But recover I did.
In part 2 I’ll recount what I did in each stage to stop from going postal and keep out of a straight jacket.
Have you been through a major crisis? If so, were your stages of recovery similar?
Related posts:
- Climbing Out of the Depths of Despair – Part 2 Photo by howieluvzus As I alluded to in Part...
- Climbing Out of the Depths of Despair – Part 3 OK peeps, this the last installment of how I...
- A Call for Guest Bloggers to Take the Stage Photo by gonc. a In about 2 weeks’ time,...
- 7 Ways to Destroy Procrastination Photo by szlea Ahhh procrastination. The life waster, dream...
- The Life Change Experiment Graphic by The Life Change Experiment “Have you ever wondered...
Hello Sami!
First let me say, that even though you’re sharing a painful chapter in your life, your blog is still very much a positive and happy place.
I have been through a divorce as well, and like you, it was after 14 years of being together. The stages you have listed thus far are pretty much the same ones I went through. I especially remember my “Survival Mode” period. It was different from yours in that I closed myself off totally. I had ice water in my veins in those days and no one could even get close enough to hurt me. Dark days to be sure!
All of that was over 8 years ago and I have recovered nicely.
I’m looking forward to part 2!
Wow, Sami… Thank you for sharing this. It’s awesome that you can open up and talk about this. I’m looking forward to reading what you have to say in Part 2.
Hi Sami,
I know you are in a good place now (that makes me smile). While I have been aware of where you were coming from, I didn’t know the details. And it does sound painful. I appreciate very much how openly you are sharing here. That’s something you do so well, and this is just another example of that. Know that I see you as a shining star, and filled with love and caring always…
@Keith
Hi Keith, thanks, I’m glad the positivity and happiness is still shining through despite the subject matter.
It’s amazing to me how many people have experienced divorce. It’s not an easy thing to go through by any means. I can understand why you closed yourself off to everyone. I had many days where I wanted to just stay in bed and not face the world. It wasn’t an option though given my job but in a way I’m glad it wasn’t. I was forced to deal with the situation and learn how to cope. Whilst painful at the time, it’s made me a better person.
Judging from your blog, you’ve more than recovered! So great to see. Thanks for sharing your story Keith.
@Positively Present
Hey PP, thanks so much. Hopefully talking about it can help others. It does me good to talk about it too. While I wouldn’t say I’m completely recovered, I’ve come a very long way.
@Lance
Thanks for your lovely comment Lance. It means a lot. I’m hoping my story and how I dealt with it will help others. It was painful for sure but there’s been a huge amount of good stuff come out of it (more than I could ever imagine) so in a lot of ways I’m lucky (and grateful) to have been through it. Thanks again my friend. You’re always a huge support and it’s appreciated.
Hi Sami,
I understand your hesitation to discuss difficult parts of your life. But, somehow, you seem to do it in an uplifting way. I have no idea how the heck you do it – infuse such spunk in such a raw and painful experience (e.g., gravel sandwich, anyone?).
Personally, I think it is refreshing to see that others are going through, or have gone through difficult times, too. It only makes you more real. It is also a lot more meaningful to see proof of the other side – your current life. I’m sure my biggest “self-help binge” was during my divorce. Wise words do wonders for others, me included.
I just know that your words here along with Part 2 will be helping a lot of people out there, Sami. And your progression through your pain certainly mirrors what I’ve experienced.
Two thumbs up, girl! You’re a masterful healer – healing with smiles!
Hi Sami,
Wow! Deep topic you’ve chosen. As I worked through my last heartbreak, I realized that I never truly allowed myself to go thorough and complete grieving. I stopped, almost punishing myself, for feeling sad and blue “for too long”. I decided that I would make a list – like I wrote everything down – of things that ended that I still felt pain and sadness over. I then spent 18 months grieving – like going through the whole process. I floated through my days the pain was so intense sometimes. It felt like the right thing to do as I realized how much emotional work I had left undone. Now, 2 years later, I’m strong and I’m clear. Funny that we’re talking about this because just yesterday, I declared myself ready to re-engage in relationships where I open my heart and let people in. Whew! Now it’s real. Just said it in print, on-line. Sweaty palms now. Glad I stopped by so I could say that. Thank you, Sami!
@Cheryl
Hey Cheryl. You bring up a great point; the grieving process is really important. If you don’t allow yourself to go through it, it’ll come back to haunt you in some way. Taking 18 months to grieve is a unique way to handle it and good for you for having the courage to face the pain. It’s not easy but being “strong and clear” is definitely worth it.
It’s so awesome you’ve come to the point where you’re ready to re-engage in relationships. Taking the time out to sort yourself out before jumping in to another relationship is a very wise move and I’m sure you and whoever you end up partnering with will reap the benefits. Thanks so much for sharing your story Cheryl. You’re an inspiration Chicka!
@Lori
Hey Lori. Thank you so much for your lovely comment. You’re such a sweetheart you know? If it’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that having a sense of humour is one way of healing! And yep, there’s nothing like the D word to thrust you into re-evaluating, self analysing and jumping up a few levels of awareness.
I really do hope that others who might be going through this (or other crises) will get something out of it that helps. The fact that so many people have been through the D word (you included) just goes to show there are a lot of people out there having to cope with it. Sometimes it helps to know others have been there and that there really is light at the end.
As for healing with smiles, I think you’re the messiah of that, Chicka! xxx
[...] « Climbing Out of the Depths of Despair – Part 1 Climbing Out of the Depths of Despair – Part 3 » Climbing Out of the Depths of [...]